I am amazed

I have always been acutely aware that I am not one of those people who collects friends (like my beautiful daughter, Brandi, has a talent for). However, it amazes me that the few friends I have now, have been with me through it all ... thick and thin, good and bad, blah blah blah.


While I realize most people see me as an outgoing person who makes friends easily, the people who know me also know it is not an easy feat for me to be outgoing. I've always said that it would be so much easier to stay in bed/at home and hide from the world. Honestly, people scare me. I am most boisterous and loud and obnoxious when I'm the most nervous.


I recently read something in a magazine that gave me one of those "uh huh" moments ... "When a local shop owner told me my smile always catches his eye, I realized I'm the only who pays attention to my extra 10 pounds." This is something I struggle with every day. ok, it isn't necessarily the extra 10 pounds, but a long list of things I constantly stress about. All of these things have come front and center now that I'm back in school. I'm 42, sitting among 18-22 year olds, the same people I'm currently competing with for scholarships and grants and will soon be competing with for a job; I'm 42, nearly 6' tall and not in the same shape I was in 20+ years ago when I was these kids' age; and do I dress to fit in and actually fit in or do I look like a 42 trying to be 20 again. I sit in classes, in labs, in the library, walk across campus and see friends together ... people who know each other - even if they didn't before they started classes, they know each other. They want to be lab partners (two 18 yr olds took pity on me) and work on projects for classes, go to required concerts and museum's together. I need to say here that I don't want to be "friends" with any of these kids, but I am envious with the ease in which they slide into these friendships, how easy it comes to some people. But I'm thinking maybe I'm the only one who notices that I sat in the student center and watched the inauguration by myself. I was, afterall, just one in a sea of people laughing and cheering and crying, and I didn't notice that there were probably several other people there alone, not feeling self-conscious-like they stuck out like a sore thumb.


I didn't start this entry as a pity party - don't want it to come across that way. I started it because I have some wonderful friends who I love dearly. Friends I have known - one since the 4th grade, getting in trouble with for passing notes or chewing gum in Mrs. Trainer's class and vowing to never wear a dress in high school; the one when we were military wives and young mother's trying to figure out our lives and eventually going through divorces (yes, more than one for each of us) together; and the one who didn't want to be my friend because she didn't think she was worthy. These are the friends who, over the many years of graduating from high school, of moving across the country and back again, and losing contact for years at a time, can come together again and pick up where we left off - no recriminations of why didn't you call or write or keep in touch - just a hug and a smile, an hour here and there of catching up or a minute to say hi I still love you. These are the friends I cherish every day, even though I don't take the time to tell them as often as I should.


I appreciate every day the friends I make along the way. And while they may not become life-long friends, I've decided that it's worth a little effort to make friends ... even if it doesn't last a lifetime or even past next month. You never know who'll be around in 5 or 10 years to give you a pat on the back and make your day!